TALES OF SYMPHONIA!
                                [the compressed-all-in-one version]

Now you can have all your ToS needs in one story! All plot lines, side quests, and strange love circles included.

[sexy voice over]: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away... there lived a giant tree. Then it died. So the goddess died too. Don’t ask me why, that’s just how the story goes. PAY ATTENTION CHILDREN!
[random hobbit children]: *GASP*
[sexy voice over]: So anyway. Yeah. The tree died. The lady died. Angels did stuff. Ok go to school now.

*cut to schoolhouse. screen blacks out*

[female voice]: OI! YOU! WAKE UP!
...
*BANG CRASH BONK*
[male voice]: OWWWW!!!
[Raine]: That’s what you get for sleeping in my class, hooligan! Now recite the entire litany of the Church of Martel!
[Lloyd]: BUT PROFESSORRRRRRR.... ;0;
[Raine]: Grr, fine, just stand in the corner holding buckets! GENIS! ANSWER THE QUESTION!
[Genis]: Desians are retarded?
[Raine]: Why yes, yes they are! Point for Genis!
[Lloyd]: I never get any points... *sulks*
[Colette]: Aw, don’t feel bad Lloyd, I only have 3!
[Raine]: Okay, next victim! Who—
*abnormally blue flash of light*
[Everyone]: WTF WAS THAT?!?
[Raine]: STFU! It was coming from the Temple of Doom! I’m leaving!
[Colette]: Omg! I’m coming too!
[Raine]: Shut up, no you’re not. Stay here and study... or something.
*Raine leaves*
[Lloyd]: ‘Kay, let’s go to the Temple of Doom!
[Genis]: What? Why? I wanna stay here and study!
[Lloyd]: You pansy.
[Genis]: *grumble*
[Lloyd]: Fine! It’s, um... research! 8D
[Genis]: *perks up* Research? OMG LET’S GO!!
[Lloyd]: Come on Colette!
[Colette]: Er, didn’t she specifically say not me?
[Lloyd]: Oh, whatever, we go through the whole game never listening to Raine’s advice anyway.
[Colette]: Okay.
*they leave the schoolhouse. insert ominous music*
[Genis]: Where the hell is this music coming from??
[Lloyd]: Shut up! I’m humming over here!
[Frank]: COLETTE WTF ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE???
[Colette]: ?
[Frank]: THE DESIANS ARE COMING, THE DESIANS ARE COMING! ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY SEA!!
[L, G, C]: o_o;;
[Frank]: Go to your grandmother. She’s waiting at the temple.
[Colette]: o_O;; Riiiight, okay Father.
[Lloyd]: OH NOES! A HUGE SKELETAL HEAD!
[Genis]: ... which is actually a zombie and a ghost.
[Lloyd]: RAWR I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY WOODEN STICKS!
*fight*
[Genis]: Great, and now we get a stupid random tutorial because you’re retarded, Lloyd.
[Lloyd]: Wheee!!
[Genis]: -_-

Temple of Doom!

[Colette]: It’s shiny!
[Genis & Lloyd]: …
[Priest]: *hoarse whisper* Cho...osen... One...
[Colette]: Where? Oh, wait. That’s me?
[Priest]: *more whispering* The... temple... is being attacked....
[Colette]: What?
[Priest]: *his voice is hoarse, folks* T...temple... attacked...
[Colette]: Huh?
[Priest]: *voice is barely there* De....sia...ans...
[Colette]: I’m sorry, what was that?
[Priest]: Goddammit, Desians are attacking the temple and we’re all gonna die. Jesus. *dies*
[Colette]: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
[Lloyd]: We must avenge his death!!! *runs up stairs*
[Genis]: Well, at least we don’t have to deal with a body.
[Phaidra]: Aw, shit, Colette! What’d you come here for???
[Botta]: DEATH TO ALL WHO OPPOSE US!
*his soldiers attack*
[Lloyd]: Hah! My sticks prevail!!
*THUD. THUD. THUD.*
[Genis]: Who’re you?
[Vidarr]: ... You’re worst nightmare.
[Lloyd]: *screams*
[Colette]: No you’re not. My worst nightmare is a—
[Kratos]: Shut up I’m too cool for y’all.
*Kratos kills things*
[Lloyd]: O_O I think I’m in love.
[Genis]: Ew.
[Colette]: Aw, me too Lloyd! ^_^
[Kratos]: I’m still too cool for y’all. But hey, your name’s Lloyd?
[Lloyd]: *generally rude and stupid*
[Kratos]: Right. Well, you’re too puny to take care of the Chosen, so I’ll take her into the temple.
[Lloyd]: SAY WHAT?!?
[Kratos]: Meh.
[Phaidra]: Fine, you can all go.
[Genis]: Dammit.
[Lloyd]: Hey, you have an Exspere!
[Kratos]: Very astute.
[Lloyd]: ???????
[Kratos]: Here, you look like you need more smarts.
[Lloyd]: Cool, food!
[Kratos]: ... It’s a book.
[Lloyd]: ... I knew that.
*random force field bonked in the middle of the temple*
[Lloyd]: Wtf is this?
[Colette]: I’ve got no idea, but I bet the Sorcerer’s Ring can break it!
[Lloyd]: Oooh, breaking things. Where is this ring?
[Colette]: *shrug* I dunno.
[Kratos]: *sweatdrop*
[Lloyd]: Geez, Colette, you suck.
[Colette]: Waaaah! Hey look, a rock!
[Kratos]: O_O That’s not a rock!
[Golem]: Fwarharhar!!
[Kratos]: *kills*
[Genis]: Now it looks more like a rock.
[Lloyd]: Man, I wanna kill something too...
[Kratos]: You’re too weak.
[Lloyd]: *fume*
[Colette]: *trips* Oops!
*rock falls off ledge*
[Genis]: And people say there’s no such thing as dumb luck.
[Lloyd]: Say huh?
[Kratos]: Nevermind, look another Golem!
[Lloyd]: RAWR!
[Kratos]: *kills it before Lloyd even gets close*
[Lloyd]: ;0;
[Colette]: ? It turned into another rock.
[Genis]: Just everyone shut up and let’s go get the stupid Sorcerer’s Ring.
[Kratos]: Indeed.
[Lloyd]: SWEET! :D I wonder what it does!! *runs to shield* :D *uses Sorcerer’s Ring* :D *huge ball of flame shoots out and disintegrates the shield in a massive display of raw power* Aw man, is this all it does?
[Genis]: -_-
[Kratos]: Righto. Into the portal thingy we go!
*warp’d*
[Lloyd and Colette]: Oooooh, it’s shiny!
[Remiel]: Yeah, you’re all stupid, I’m going to talk in an extremely snooty tone of voice and generally be an all around jerk during the whole game. Have a necklace.
[Colette]: *Cruxius Crystal’d!* Oh wow! Now my character doesn’t look so stupid anymore! It’s almost like the creators engineered my character look so that it wouldn’t look right without this necklace!
[Remiel]: Shut up. Look at the pretty tower.
*Tower of Salvation thunks into the ground*
[Lloyd]: It’s kind of ugly.
[Remiel]: STFU, INFERIOR BEING! Now go look for fire, or something.
[Colette]: Wait! Um, um, even though it’s clearly obvious we are of two completely different races, are you really my fa-
[Remiel]: Shut your face, yuppie-child. *disappears*
[Colette]: THAT MEANS YES! OMG!
[Kratos]: ‘K, time to go. *grabs Colette and drags her off*
[Genis]: O_O He looks like a kidnapper.
[Lloyd]: Whatever. He’s mean. ;0;
[Genis]: Shut up. Let’s get out of here.
[Lloyd]: Ok.
[Raine]: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[Genis]: Raine?
[Lloyd]: What the hell are you doing here, Professor?
[Raine]: O_O WTF????
[Genis]: Shit.
[Raine]: WHY ARE YOU TWO HERE I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN CLASS AND STUDY!!!
*spanks Genis. Very hard*
[Raine]: *glares at Lloyd* You’re next!
[Lloyd]: Ack! BACK, SHE-DEVIL!
*Raine kicks Lloyd in the face*
[Raine]: Now. You two go home RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
[Genis]: What about you?
[Raine]: I’m staying here. It’s, um, research. Yeah.
[Genis]: -_-
[Lloyd]: Whatever, I just want to get out of here!
*they leave*
[Raine]: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[Lloyd]: O_o wtf was that?!
[Genis]: I didn’t hear anything.
[Lloyd]: But—
[Genis]: IT WAS NOTHING. TIME TO GO.

Back at Iselia...

[Lloyd]: *bursts into Colette’s house* I wanna come on the journey for regeneration toooooo~!
[Kratos]: You’d just get in the way.
[Lloyd]: T_T Why do you say things that you know will hurt mee~?
[Mayor]: Ugh, stupid brat! Shut up and go away. Let the big, not weak people talk.
[Lloyd]: Rrrgh.
[Colette]: *falls down* I’M SORRRRREEEEEE!!!!!
[Genis]: Don’t be sorry, have some cookies!
[Colette]: Oh yeah, it’s my birthday! ^_^
[Lloyd]: Oops.
[Genis]: Did you forget her present?
[Lloyd]: Ehehe, no! Of course not! I, um, just left the stove on at home! Be right back!
[Genis]: Wait, lemme come with you. I have an errand to run.
[Colette]: I’ll come by Dirk’s later, ok?
[Lloyd]: Ehehehe. Yeeeaaah. >_>;;